You know, the worst let downs are always the ones that occurs after you've had very high hopes.

I'm not the sort of person who can deal with comments, be it positive or negative. Positive ones gets to my head like chikababoom, or else they just crumble my focus, and, negative ones send me spiraling into self-beating/self-deprivation mode. So yeap, either way, I can't deal with it. and if I'd choose either, I'd seriously go for criticism cause the only way after you've hit rock bottom is up, and the only way I can improve is by telling myself I suck. T_T

So, you see my dilemma? How can I stand up properly, confidently, when the only way I can improve is constantly reminding myself that I suck, I'm still not good enough?! Knncheesebuns, I'm probably one of the most confused dipshit dancers ever.

In some cases like a very recent video, my hopes kinda got dashed. Well, I've only very recently begun filming in my favourite F's classes, cause I'm trying to overcome this video-phobe issue of mine. And I had particularly high hopes cause I felt pretty damn good doing that routine. But like Humpty Dumpty, my hopes fell off the wall and smashed into smithereens 'cause feeling good doesn't translate into looking good. T_T And that, following a particularly brutal class filled with distractions and wallowing. it's like salt in my wounds honestly.

Plus, people keep mistaking zai goddess M for me. I feel so sadly insulted cause I'd never be anywhere as confident as her. Gah, it's like putting a chicken liver beside foie gras. You know how mediocre I feel when I hear that?

I look at people like Meiqi, Apple, Mel, M, and I feel so amazed and inspired by their confidence; the way they dance, groove, look so comfortable. I want to be them, but I don't know how to be comfortable in my own adipose-filled skin. I want it so badly, but the only way I can think of me being comfortable with myself is if I'm stick thin. Which I apparently don't have the discipline to adhere something rigorous to achieve that. Which means I'd always be bui. Which means I'd always feel bad about myself. Which means I'd never be a good dancer, ever.

Which means, I'm fucked, essentially.

):